Parody Drabbles
by Fili
Summary: Just a collection of random hopefully funny drabbles I haven't been able to make into a story. They're not in order. You've been warned.
1. Chapter 1

Eee..Unh..Ear!

Boromir lifted his head a bit, took off his headphones, and listened.

He was lying in the Elvish boat floating down the Anduin. According to the storyline he was supposed to be dead, but as we have already established that this is a parody and that Boromir REALLY isn't dead, this is getting a little redundant. Now where were we? Oh, yes.

He was lying in the Elvish boat floating down the Anduin listening to Cinderella ( the band, NOT the movie soundtrack) on his i-pod, sucking on a melted and smashed Tootsie-Roll he'd found in his pocket. This '_Tragic Death_' business wasn't so bad, really. Until he thought he heard something. HOW he heard it over his music is irrelevant. He listened for a moment, and, hearing nothing, was about to put his headphones back on when he heard it again.

Eee...Are...Iii...Are...Eee...Unh...Ear!

Boromir turned off his i-pod and sat up in a panic. It couldn't be... Could it? He'd thought they didn't exist.

He searched frantically about for a paddle. Nothing.

The sounds were getting closer now.

Maybe an Uruk-Hai sword would work for a paddle? The man picked one up, hefted it, tested it. Not really.

' Dammit, Aragorn! If I get out of this alive...'

He started throwing weapons out of the boat, keeping back two swords. He'd need them.

The boat floated lazily around a bend in the River and Boromir nearly choked on what was left of his Tootsie Roll. There on the right bank was a crowd of fangirls, and even a few Mary-Sues, easily identifiable by their skimpy clothing, loooong thick hair, and sparkly make-up. They were all jumping up and down screaming ' B-O-R-O-M-I-R! WE WANT BOR-O-MIR!' over and over.

Said Gondorian warrior hunkered down in his boat.

He'd helped defend Legolas, Aragorn and Frodo from Sues and fangirls. He'd even helped Faramir fight them off on occasion. But They'd never been after him, and he'd never had to fight them off on his own. He'd just have to take this as it came.

Suddenly a shrill scream cut above the chanting. ' LYKE,OMG ITS LYKE MY BORI-POO!11!1'

Apparently he'd been spotted.


	2. Chapter 2

Part Two

(I'm not going to dignify it by calling it a chapter)

Thanks to my reviewer, MoonlitStarDestiny. I wasn't planning on updating this soon, but this one's all for you! Hope you like it.

' Saruman, your staff is broken' Gandalf said coldly. The black rod flew into splinters in Saruman's hand, the head falling to land at Gandalf's feet. Gandalf picked it up and looked curiously at the splintered end. He shook his head. 'Jerry-built' the wizard announced in a disgusted voice. ' Really, Saruman, where'd you get this? Wal-Mart? I've never seen shuch shoddy workmanship. I honestly thought you had more class than that. An orc could've made you a better one.'

Saruman rolled his eyes. 'Gandalf. WAL-MART? That's not supposed to come into this story! When will you get the timeline straight! And anyway, where'd you pick up _Jerry-built_? I've never heard that term before.'

'From Samwise.'

' Samwise? What a dumb name. Who's Samwise?'

'He's...Oh, wait. I'm not supposed to tell you.' Pippin had been tugging at Gandalf's robes the whole time, and Gandalf decided to answer him now. It saved him from having to try to evade Saruman's questions. 'What is it Pippin?'

'Did you say Wal-Mart?'

Gandalf nodded, instantly realizing his folly as Pippin began jumping up and down. 'Wal-Mart! Wal-Mart! Gandalf, I'm hungry, really hungry, can we go to Wal-Mart NOW? Please? Walmartwalmartwalmart! Come on, pleeeeeeease? I really am hungry, please can we go? Go now? Please say yes we can go?' Pippin's face was purple and he nearly collapsed, gasping for air after saying all that in one breath.

Merry had perked up and was looking hopeful at the mention of Wal-Mart. Gandalf was wondering what he had gotten himself into and how to get out of it when Eomer knelt down and put his hand on the smaller hobbit's shoulder, his face grave.

' Pippin' he said soberly, ' Wal-Mart is evil. It is a claw on the hand of the New World Order, reaching out to draw you into it's grasp. They sell shoddy products made by slave labor in China and trick you into thinking you're getting a great deal. They send all the jobs over to China to be done by aforementioned slave labor. They force small businesses to close down, compelling you to buy from Wal-Mart. They support the United Nations, who are plotting to overthrow the world. They track your every move with microchips in the clothes and cameras in the bathrooms. They...'

Up till now Pippin had been looking very lost, but at the mention of cameras in the bathrooms he he came back with a snap. 'Cameras?' he squeaked. ' In the bathrooms?'

Eomer nodded solemnly.

Pippin thought for a moment, his face changing from horrified to confused to contemplative (briefly) to realisation, to exitement. He looked up. ' Well then Gandalf, can we go to Western Sizzlin?'


	3. Chapter 3

Bilbo stared thoughtfully at the Ring in his hand, Gandalf's words echoing in his head.

Who would've thought that this thing was evil? According to the Wizard, It needed to be sent back to...someplace called Mount Doom and destroyed. Gandalf had made it quite clear that _he_ couldn't be bothered to do it, it was up to Bilbo and Elrond of Rivendell to work out the details.

Bilbo pinched the bridge of his nose in thought, than snapped his fingers. He hurried over to his desk, took out an envelope, pen, and ink. He addressed the envelope as follows:

**_Mount Doom, c/o Elrond of Rivendell_**

dropped the Ring in and sealed the envelope.

The Hobbit headed outside and put the letter in his mail box; then headed back inside to prepare for bed, whistling a cheery tune.


	4. Chapter 4

**My thanks to Princess of Ithilien for her review and advice, to MoonlitStarDestiny for sticking around and faithfully reviewing, even when there wasn't much to review, and to EowynMerry ( also known as Captain Davy Jones) for reading and reviewing even if she doesn't like parodies. **

**Hope ya'll don't get coronary arrest and die from reading this. It'd be a shame to loose you now. :)**

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' Will somebody please remind me why I ever wanted to be a post-man?' Frodo Baggins grumbled to himself as he sloshed through the mud. Of course he knew the reasons. The prospects of invitations for elevensies and afternoon tea, luncheon at inns along the way, fresh air and sunshine; THAT was why he had taken the job. But today he had had none of those.

The day had started out on the wrong foot, what with Dahlia Sandheaver insisting on telling him the ENTIRE history behind the lovely white foxgloves he had made the mistake of admiring out loud.

You see, back in...No. You really don't want to know.

But that had made him late, so he didn't have time to stop and chat with anybody else, and thus did not get invited anywhere for elevensies. When noon rolled around, Frodo was tired and hungry. For the past hour-and-a-half he'd been debating where to stop for luncheon, and had decided on The Green Dragon. For the past few weeks folks had been telling himn how wonderful it was, but he'd never actually been there. So it was quite a shock when he arrived at The Green Dragon, only to discover that the Dragon in question was, in fact, a real dragon, and had only narrowly avoided being burnt to a crisp. Thank the Valar it had started raining. As it was, it'd take a long time for the hair on his feet and eyebrows to grow back. He had been thoroughly miserable when he had taken his belated luncheon at The Ivy Bush.

Now it was after four o'clock and quite past time for afternoon tea,(he hadn't had any, of course, he'd been to busy apologising for the mails being so late) and all he wanted to do was go home.

Up ahead was Bagshot row, the last of his round. For an instant Frodo was glad of the rain, it would keep Gaffer Gamgee inside and thus spare him from having to listen politely to a lecture on ninny-hammers and dilligence.

Up the hill, around the turn and there was Bag End. Last stop. Frodo's step quickened just a little. The day was as good as over. A moment more and he could head home.

Frodo reached the mail-box, pulled it open. A letter lay inside. The hobbit pulled it out, glanced at the postmark, and started to put it in his bag -- then froze. Did it say what he thought it said? The frightened hobbit whipped it out again and, trembling, re-read the postmark.

**_Mount Doom, c/o Elrond of Rivendell_**

Frod promptly shrieked and fell over.


	5. Chapter 5

**Hi folks, I know it's been a while since I added anything here. I had a lot of ideas but getting the words to make the ideas make sense isn't so easy. But anyway, here's yet another mindless drabble. Sorry it doesn't have anything to do with the last one, I haven't come up with anything to follow that. If you have ideas, I love to hear them! **

**Thanks to Captain Davy Jones, MoonlitStarDestiny andPrincess of Ithilien for reviewing! I don't think I missed anybody, if I did, please send me a scathing PM and I'll make a public apology in the next chapter.**

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'Over the bridge!' cried Gandalf. 'Fly!'

'Cool' murmured Legolas, staring at the Balrog.

'Move it, Elf Boy!' yelled Gimli. 'If you want to stand and stare at it, stand so the rest of us can get across this darn bridge!'

Legolas jumped and looked down at the Dwarf. 'Oh, right' he said, and ran across.

Boromir and Aragorn Elessar Evinyatar Estel...you know... drew their swords, ready to run back and aid the wizard.

The Balrog reached the edge of the bridge and paused to roar... hiss... crackle... whatever you call that noise it makes - at Gandalf.

'You cannot pass,' said wizard announced. The Balrog tilted it's head and snorted.

'I am a servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the flame of--'

'Olorin?' said the Balrog.

' What!' snapped Gandalf. ' You'd better have a darn good reason--did you call me Olorin?'

'Yes.'

' Why?'

' Because that's your name' the Balrog said, looking proud of itself.

' I know that's my name. What I wanted to know is how in sweet ArdaYOU know that!'

The Balrog's shoulders slumped. 'You don't recognize me?'

'No. I don't make a habit of chumming with servants of Morgoth.'

'Damn,' said the Balrog, sounding defeated. 'I KNEW I should never have gotten that plastic surgery. Listen, does the name Gordan ring any bells?'

Gandalf looked thoughtful. 'Gordan... Gor-- Yeah, I know him, he was a Maia! We were pals back in Valinor! Did he give you a message for me?'

' Well, in a sense.'

' Tell me.'

' He says dreadlocks REALLY aren't you.'

Gandalf was obviously left in the dust on that one. ' Huh?'

' You never were real quick on the uptake, were you?' the Balrog said in exasperation.

The wizard blinked. 'YOU'RE Gordan?'

The Balrog rolled it's eyes. ' No, I'm Radagast. You oaf, of COURSE I'm Gordan!'

' Well how about that... Long time no see! What've you been up to all this time?' Gandalf exclaimed.

'Oh, not much, really, a lot of lying around and sleeping, I had to take care of some invasions of Dwarves, but other than that, not a lot.'

'You always were lazy. I've been running my beard off for the past several centuries!'

As the two Maia chatted, the Fellowship looked on stunned. 'Mr.Gandalf KNOWS that thing?' whispered Sam.

'He's not gonna kill it?' asked Merry, sounding disappointed.

After about fifteen minutes, Legolas stepped forward. ' Hey, Wizz-Man! Hate to butt in on your party, but we gotta go!'

The wizard spun around. 'FINE!' he yelled. 'Go!'

' But you're the leader!' Gimli said in dismay.

'Pick a new leader! Uhh, Aragorn! You're in charge!'

'But where are YOU going?' Boromir asked.

'I'm going to have a few drinks with Gordan here! Do you have any IDEA how long it's been since we saw each other last?' He turned and walked toward the Balrog, and they both headed away, chatting happily.

The Fellowship probably would have stayed there forever staring dumbly, but after the Balrog was gone the Orcs renewed their attack, so the Fellowship had to pick their jaws up off the floor where they had fallen and run as fast as their little legs could carry them for the exit.

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I think I got Gandalf's name right...butif I got it wrong, or if you have a better name for the Balrog, (I just pulled thatone of my ear) tell me!

Till next time-

Fili


	6. Followup to chapter 1

Howdy, and welcome to my new reviewer, Bitten by a Cow! Thanks to moonlitStarDestiny and Captain Davy Jones for sticking around and faithfully reviewing :) Everybody's invited to my house for spaghetti and ice cream! Or taters precious :)

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Boromir's mind raced, considering his options. He could play dead and hope they'd just let him pass, but that was risky. He didn't know how many of them had watched _The Matrix_, or, Eru forbid, heard of _Sleeping Beauty._

He could employ the tactic used ( to questionable success) at Osgiliath of swimming madly for one's life, but orcs couldn't swim. These things probably could.

He could take his shirt off and hope they'd all swoon and faint, but the ones that didn't faint would probably charge him. That idea was _definately_ out.

Our hero peeked cautiously over the edge of his boat. What he saw nearly made him loose his Tootsie-Roll. The Sues had produced ropes with grappling hooks and were swinging them over their heads determinedly. Boromir whipped up his shield and held it over his head. He had no desire to be hit over the head by a grappling iron. But he needn't have worried. The Sues had magically perfect aim, and their irons landed neatly on the edge of his boat. Boromir thrust his shield aside, pulled out his knife and sliced through the ropes, then threw the hooks into the river. The fangirls wailed in dismay.

Hiding was pointless now they knew he was alive, so the Gondorian sat up just in time to see one of the Sues draw herself up to her full height, close her eyes, and extend her hands toward him. A breeze sprang from out of nowhere, blowing the Sue's long black hair back in a dramatic fashion. As the fangirls watched eagerly, the breeze turned into a good stiff wind, pushing Boromir's boat neatly toward them.

Boromir grasped his sword in one hand and picked up an Uruk-Hai sword in the other.

(A/N-- _if you would, please reference to_ The Two Towers_, chapter one, paragraph seven, where you will note that Boromir's sword was broken during his fight with the Uruk-Hai. If you would further reference Peter Jackson's amazing film_ The Fellowship of the Ring_, you may also note that Boromir's sword is a very pretty one. Nearly as good-looking (in a sharp, metal, pointy kind of way) as it's owner (in a tall, blond, rugged kind of way.) Furthermore, Boromir is standing beside me insisting that he and his sword have been through a lot together, and if he survives, his sword should, too. And all that being the case, I, the Author, have decided to let Boromir's sword live_.)

As the little boat neared the bank, the Gondorian tensed, ready for anything. The Sues and fangirls who weren't jumping up and down and screaming were trembling in exitement. Boromir winced. This was going to be _fun._

The boat nudged the shore. Boromir leapt out of the boat, ready to fight for his life, his sanity, anything of his worth saving from those drooling girls.

Just then three figures came running out of the woods. Two were holding bows with arrows nocked, the other a sword. One of the fangirls noticed them, and promtly screamed ' Lyke, OMG gurls, it's Haldere!1!1 He's soo hawt11'

At that, the other two released their arrows while Haldir leapt forward, sword swinging. Boromir gladly joined in, and the 'lovely' drool-buckets were soon dispatched, in a violent manner of course.

Boromir wiped his sword and put it away, turning to Haldir and the others, who were (of course) Rumil and Orophin.

' Thank you. I've never had Them come for me before. Good thing they're fickle.' He smiled and Haldir chuckled, and translated to his brothers. Rumil laughed and Orophin shook his head, grinning, then said something to Haldir who replied; slapping his brother's shoulder.

' What did he say?' Boromir asked.

'He wonders why I get all the fangirls and Sues, while he and Rumil are ignored. I told him he should consider himself blessed.'

' That's for sure! They've always been after my brother, and I had no idea what it felt like to realize They were after oneself. But how did you get here, anyway?

' We ran.'

' You came on foot the whole way and kept up with our boats?'

' Yep.'

' I know Elves are fleet of foot, but isn't that stretching it just a little?'

Haldir nodded. 'Yep.'

Boromir spread his hands in confusion. 'Well, then...?'

' I don't know,' Haldir shrugged. ' Talk to the Author. Either she has no sense of exactly how far it is from Lothlorien to Rauros, or she just doesn't care.'

' Oh.' The Gondorian thought about that for a moment. ' Okay, that's _how _you got here, but _why_ are you here?'

' You know, I don't really know,' Haldir said thoughtfully. ' It appears that we were sent to help you, but until we came out of the woods and saw Them, I had no idea why we were running like mad-elves through the woods away from Lorien. Maybe stuff like this is what happens when the Author doesn't actually think the plot through. Say, what are _you_ doing here? Shouldn't you be with the rest of the Fellowship?'

Boromir nodded. 'Yeah. But I didn't get killed by the Uruks, and Aragorn insisted that he was not only the leader of the Fellowship, but my future King, so I have to do what he says, and he said we should stick to the story-line as it happened in the book. I tried to point out that we're so far away from the book already that the story is barely recognizable any more, but he said he couldn't help all that, but he sure wasn't going to put up with any back-talk from me. I would have argued with him, but I figured he can have his delusions of power, I'm going back to Gondor where I can do some good. So I got in the boat like a good little Steward, and here I am.'

Haldir nodded. 'Maybe you should go to Rohan first, instead of heading straight for Gondor.'

' Why? I want to go home. I've been away a long time.'

' Because Rohan's in deep trouble. It's a long story, but the short of it is that they're going to be attacked by a huge army soon, and they don't have enough of anything to win.'

' Where is the army coming from? Faramir wouldn't let anything get past him to the rest of Middle-Earth as long as he's alive!'

' This army does not come from Mordor, but from Saruman.'

' What?'

' Yep. Ten thousand super-sized GI Joes, all armed and dangerous.'

' Huh?'

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In the books Boromir has black hair, but Sean Bean's hair in the movie was more of a reddish-blond color, so I went with that. Hey, if you were a purist, you probably wouldn't be reading this anyway :)

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A/N-- Hi folks, awfully sorry about the long wait. We went on a week-long mini-vacation and I wasn't able to finish this and post it before we left, and then I wasn't able to post this story for two days because the computer was acting up. I'll try to update a little faster next time!


	7. Chapter 7

_A/N Awfully sorry about the long delay between updates,I was kidnapped by aliens, and had a heck of a time escaping. Oh, did I already use that excuse? Anyway, mesa so very sorry for the delay and the shortness. Next one will be much longer, I promise. I'll try to get it up faster, too, but it looks like this week's going to be busy. But I'll do my best not to keep you waiting so very long._

_Thanks to Captain Davy Jones and Erestor for reviewing! Erestor, I'll have more Boromir in the next chapter!_

_This one might not make much sense, it's based on a Speedy Gonzalez cartoon I saw a looong time ago. There were two cats, the little boss cat kept beating up the big dumb cat, and every time it happened the big cat would smile stupidly and say "George is my friend!" (George being the name of the little cat.)_

_Apology in advance to those who love Theoden, I don't **really **think of him as a dope, but this popped into my head and I had to write it. Sorry._

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Aragorn burst into the hall. Eomer stepped forward to meet him, brow furrowed in concern. Aragorn usualy 'moved with kingly measure, a Ranger's grace and skill' (to hear some tell it) but just now he was running, so Eomer was worried. 'Aragorn? What is it?'

'Host upon host approacheth, an army whose numbers rival those of the sands of the sea, one thousand times ten! Sent by that black dog, that foul fiend, that despot, that thrice-accursed wizard Saruman, purposing to bring about our ruin and downfall, and to wipe our very memory off the green earth!' the man announced.

By now Hama was looking quite blank, so Eomer translated: ' Saruman's sent a huge army to destroy us. I'm sure Wal-Mart's gotta be behind it somewhere,' and turned to Theoden. The king's eyes were glazed and he was staring off into the distance. 'Theoden king?' Eomer asked. 'Did you not hear this?'

Theoden turned his head slightly. ' George...I mean Saruman will deal with them. George is my friend,' he added stupidly. Eomer dropped his forehead into his hand and shook his head in dispair.


	8. Prequel to Chapter One

**Well, here it is, the promised longer chapter. And it's up a lot quicker than I've been doing lately. Ha ha! I already had most of it written, and what I didn't wasn't hard to get down. So, without further ado, here it is:)**

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'Boromir, the time has come for you to leave us,' Aragorn ordered.

The Gondorian wrinkled his nose. ' Why?'

'I am thy king, and I command it.'

'Not yet, you're not! You're running around chasing after Elves, while _we_ are holding off Mordor. Do you-'

'Mordor has nothing to do with our present topic of conversation. I bid thee to embark upon yon vessel, and thou shalt verily do my bidding!'

'The reason being...?'

Aragorn shoved some paper under Boromir's nose. 'If thou wouldst be so good as to read the script, thou wilt observe that we have arrived at the breaking of our company, each to his own fortunes. Thy part is to voyage in yon fair boat to wherever the Anduin takes thee!'

' Well the script also calls for me to be killed painfully by the Uruks but that didn't happen. So my death voyage is redundant. I think you just want rid of me.' Boromir crossed his arms and stared at the Ranger, who bristled.

' Enough of this thine insolence! As chosen leader of this Fellowship by the late Wizard Gandalf, and as your king, I command it!'

Boromir rolled his eyes. This _really_ wasn't worth arguing over. ' Whatever.'

Aragorn looked pleased. ' That's my good man. Now in you get.'

Gimli glanced over at Boromir, and both rolled their eyes. As the man settled himself in the boat he noticed something. 'Hey Aragorn, have you seen my Horn?'

Aragorn visibly ignored him, turning instead to speak to Legolas, who was grinning evilly. Gimli nodded subtilly towards Aragorn's pack. Boromir shot up out of the boat and marched over to the Ranger's things, with said Ranger scrambling to catch him, protesting. Bromir dug through the pack and lifted out the Horn. It was broken in two. Boromir whirled on Aragorn. ' My Horn! It's broken! And I'd like to know what are _you_ doing with it!'

Aragorn started to say something, but Legolas interrupted. 'Hey, chill man. It wasn't his fault. That Uruk monster-man stepped on it.'

Boromir shook his head. 'He stepped... But what happened to all the Tootsie-Rolls? Where'd they go?' They both looked at Aragorn, who hung his head guiltily. Boromir ran his hand through his hair. ' You...My... They...It stepped... This is unbelievable! I can't believe you'd stoop to this!'

' That is redundant,' said Legolas triumphantly.

'SHUT UP!' snapped Boromir, not at all in the mood for a grammar lesson. Gimli, who had been standing off to one side watching, now stepped up.

'Easy lad, don't burst a blood vessel. There's no use crying over spilt milk;or candy for that matter. We can't stand here arguing over Tootsie-Rolls all day, we've got to get moving.'

Boromir looked at him for a minute, then nodded, glared at Aragorn, and strode back down to the boats. Halfway there, he turned around, went back to Aragorn's pack and retreived his broken Horn.

The boats were launched without further confrontations, mostly due to Gimli who took charge and kept Boromir and Aragorn too busy to argue.

Now, at last, the time had come to part. Aragorn wanted to stick to the storyline and sing the Lament, but Legolas said because Boromir wasn't dead they didn't have to lament him, and why don't they sing '_Take me to the Other Side' _by Aerosmith instead. Of course Aragorn won out, and he and Legolas sang a long, sad poem while Gimli wondered how in Arda the boats were staying in one place while the current was moving, and Boromir fished hopefully through his pack for Tootsie-Rolls.

The poem ended. 'Farewell, Boromir' said Gimli.

'Luck, man,' said Legolas.

Aragorn glared.

Throughout the Lament Boromir had been humming quietly to himself, and now as Legolas released the boat he started singing out loud. 'I've been dreamin', floating down the streamin, loosin' touch with all that's real! Keepin' time with-'

'Boromir!' snapped Aragorn, hastily grabbing the boat.

'Yeah?'

'Desist from this thy vexing assault on thy companion's ears!'

' What for? You got to sing, why can't I?' asked Boromir.

'It appeared not in the script. Rememberest not that thou art in the very throes of death? Verily, if thou persist on this wayward course, thou shalt bring about out failure and humiliation!'

' Forget him, Bor,' Legolas interrupted. 'He's just jealous 'cause you can sing better than him.'

'I harbor no such foul grudge against the worthy Boromir!' Aragorn cried.

'You just proved my point,' Legolas smirked.

'The maleficent charges thou bringest against my person are groundless! I merely protested against thy malignant insinuations!'

'Whoa, hold on dude. Saying you aren't jealous of Boromir is like admitting he can sing better than you.' The Elf folded his arms over his chest smugly.

'I cry you pause for but a moment, still thy rambling foolish tongue...' Aragorn was winding up for a speech, but was cut off by Gimli.

'Put a sock in it lads, time's a-wasting, and we could be throwing the plotline off.' The dwarf took off his helmet and used it to give a sharp rap to the hand holding onto Boromir's boat.

'Ouch! Gimli, that hurt!' yelled Aragorn, falling out of character as he nursed his bruised knuckles in his other hand.

'Well, it made you let go of the boat, so it served it's purpose,' the Dwarf said firmly.

Legolas chuckled, Aragorn sulked, Gimli waved, and Boromir's boat floated gently out of sight.


	9. TootsieRolls in Rivendell

_Howdy howdy howdy! Great big hugs to StupefiedNarutard, Bitten by a Cow, and a new reviewer, Dancingkatz! You guys are great, I got FIVE reviews in ONE DAY, the most EVER! Thank you thank you thank you:)_

_Also, many,many thanks to Evendim for the loan of Halbeer, Denethor's sinister Chamberlain. _

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Aragorn walked into Boromir's room and found the Gondorian sitting on the floor surrounded by twists of waxy brown-and-white paper. The Ranger cocked his head quizzically. 'Prithee, Boromir, what meaneth this?'

Boromir started. 'Don't sneak up on people like that.'

' I did not ask what I was doing, I asked what _you_ are doing.'

'Packing. We're leaving tomorrow, after all.'

' I am aware of that. But what are these paper-covered...objects that I see?' Aragorn crouched down and leaned to pick one up, only to jerk back as Boromir swatted his hand.

' Leave those alone! They're mine.'

Aragorn leaned against the wall and watched as Boromir started putting the objects in a wooden box.

'If one may put a question a second time, what are these, that they are so precious to thee?'

Boromir paused and looked over at Aragorn. 'Tootsie-Rolls. My brother gave them to me before I left.'

'What purpose do they serve?' Aragorn was still confused.

Boromir chuckled, rubbing his eyebrow. ' They're candy! What'd you think they were, kindling?'

Aragorn squinted. What kind of soldier carries boxes of candy around in his pack? 'You do not _truly_ purpose to carry those on our quest?'

'Of course I do,' Boromir frowned.

'You can not.'

'Yes I can.'

Aragorn's eyes narrowed. He was the Heir of Isildur! Soon to be this...imbecile's... king! How dare Boromir contradict him? In a withering tone, Aragorn began: ' Boromir, this shall likely prove to be an extended, arduous venture.' (Boromir rolled his eyes) 'It would be trying even under ideal circumstances, but we are essaying upon it in the very teeth of winter.' (Here Boromir shook his head in disgust. Aragorn, warming to his topic, didn't notice.) ' We shall require every inch of space for the necessary provisions. We cannot afford anything superfluous.'

'Oh shut up,' groaned Boromir, shoving the case into his pack.

Aragorn erupted. ' How dare you address my person in that manner, you insolent knave? I am the rightful ruler of this general wretched land, and everyone in it must do as I bid them!'

Boromir turned his back and began folding his extra socks, shaking his head. Aragorn grabbed his arm and spun him around. 'Do not turn your back on me, you insolent-'

'You've already established that I'm insolent. Come up with another adjective,' Boromir stated calmly.

'Rebellious!'

'That's my father's name for Faramir. It's taken. You need another one.'

Aragorn spluttered and fumed. Boromir waited for a few minutes before walking toward the door.

'Where do you think you're going?' Aragorn thundered.

'You haven't come up with a new name for me, so I am going to get you a thesaurus. I'm sure Elrond has one somewhere.'

'YOU... I have no need of a dictionary! You're IMPOSSIBLE!'

'My thanks. I'll have to remember that one so I can inform father's Chamberlain when I get home.'

Aragorn ground his teeth. 'You shall NOT take that candy with you!' he snarled over his shoulder as he left the room in a huff. Boromir listened until the Ranger's steps faded, the growled something unintelligable and kicked the wall. Playing cool always got spectacular results, but if that buggery Ranger thought he'd gotten the last word...

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

' Boromir,' asked Merry the next evening, ' Aren't you going to blow your Horn?'

'Pardon?'

' You know, you're supposed to blow your Horn and make everybody angry at you. Remember?'

'Oh, that was in the script, wasn't it?'

'Um-hm. So are you going to do it?'

'I suppose.'

He blew the Horn. Elrond, according to plan, snapped at him. That is, snapped as well as he could, considering that he's an Elf and they talk as if they're trying to speak around a mouthful of molasses.

Aragorn glared at Boromir, Gandalf stared from under his eyebrows, Bill pricked his ears, and Frodo fell over.

In the resulting confusion Boromir turned away fron the others and inserted a wooden plug in the Horn, poured in his Tootsie-Rolls, and shoved another whittled plug in as deeply as he could. Aragorn could search his gear all he wanted. Good luck to him.

Boromir trailed out with the rest of the Fellowship, hiding a small smile.

**oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

I hope I didn't leave any mistakes, this drabble was hectic for some reason, and I'm my own Beta, so if you find any misspellings, let me know :)

By the way, if any of you are science fiction fans, go rent the movie **_Van Helsing_**. It has the glorious David Wenham it it, and it's just GREAT! Okay, that was random, but necessary. Oh well.


	10. The Council Needs Counseling

**a/n** This is the longest chapter yet! And it's new and improved, heaps of thanks to Erestor. Bitten by a cow, I hope this make up for the last one not being very funny.

**The Council Needs Counseling**

'Strangers from distant lands, friends of old; you have been summoned here to answer the threat of Mordor.' Typical Elrond announcement, he always felt compelled to clarify things that were already clear. 'Middle-Earth stands upon the brink of destruction. None can escape it. You will unite or you will fall.' Which is what happened at precisely that moment, as Frodo fell over. Nobody knew how it happened, for he'd been sitting down at the time. The good Elves of Rivendell, unaccustomed to Frodo's tendency to do that, rushed to his aid. Aragorn, who knew better, did nothing.

'Are you all right?' asked Lindir, concern wrinkling his brow. Frodo silently held up his hand: there was a small cut on his thumb. Lindir's face started to show relief, but as quickly as the change started, it reversed to horror as the hobbit's expression became one of utter misery. His huge blue eyes filled with tears, his chin quivered. Lindir wailed in alarm and all the Elves rushed off for hot water and bandages while Gandalf shook his head in disgust and Aragorn yawned.

A full twenty minutes later the Elves were satisfied that Frodo's life was not in imminent peril, and the Council resumed.

' Each race is bound to this fate; this one doom. Bring forth the Ring, Frodo.'

'Wait a second,' said Gandalf, 'don't you want to hear my story?'

'No. We already know enough thanks to a dramatic flashback,' said Elrond.

'Well what about me?' asked Gloin. ' Don't you want to know what's been happening in Laketown?'

Elrond frowned. 'No. Nobody here cares about you and your silly bunch of toymakers.' The Dwarves ground their teeth angrily.

' How about me? Shall I tell my story now?' asked Bilbo.

' Again, no. Everybody knows it already. Frodo, the Ring...?'

Somehow Frodo made it all the way to the little table, set down the Ring, and came back to his seat without falling over. Aragorn, who was holding a stopwatch on him, jumped up waving it. ' A record!' he shouted. 'Thirty-two point seven seconds on his feet!!'

Everybody except Gandalf and Bilbo looked blank. Elrond raised his eyebrows. 'Aragorn, this is hardly the time,' he began.

' But you do not realize-'

'Aragorn-'

' I have traveled with Frodo all the long way from Bree! The longest he remained on his feet during the entire journey was twenty-eight point three seconds!'

Frodo glared at Aragorn. Elrond's eyebrows raised even higher. 'Really?'

'Yes!'

'Oh.'

'OH?! All you can say is _oh_?!'

'What do you want me to say?' said Elrond.

' Summon a scribe! This must be recorded!'

'Okay, okay! Whatever!'

The scribe was called, the record-making time was written down, and the Council resumed, for the third time in thirty minutes. Boromir stood up. ' Give me leave, Master Elrond, to first say more of-'

'No.'

'What?'

'That's not what you're supposed to say.'

'What do you mean? Of course it is!'

'No it's not. We're going by movie-verse because book-verse takes too long. You aren't supposed to tell us about Gondor, you're supposed to start right out being the bad guy and try to touch the Ring so we can yell at you.'

' Suppose I don't bloody want to?'

'Then you will suffer,' Elrond said. A black cat walked across the floor. A black cat walked across the floor.

'That's wierd,' said Gimli.

'Don't do it Elrond,' said Boromir. The council-goers suddenly found themselves surrounded by a brick wall. 'Oh blast.'

'This isn't good, man,' Legolas observed.

Frodo fell over again, but this time nobody noticed. Gandalf jumped to his feet and began chanting in Black Speech. The brick walls disappeared as Elrond smiled happily. That trick never failed to get him what he wanted. 'Never before has any voice uttered the words of that tongue here in Imladris,' he said sternly.

' I do not ask your pardon, Master Elrond, for the Black Speech of Mordor may yet be heard in every corner of the West! The Ring is altogether evil!'

Boromir rolled his eyes. ' Since you seem to want to get this over with as fast as possible, how about if I try and take the Ring right now and Frodo can head off for Mordor by himself right now, and that would take out about two hours worth of movie?'

'Boromir...' growled Elrond.

'Whatever.ItisagiftttothefoesofMordorwhynotusethisRinglonghasmyfathertheStewardofGondorkept theforcesofMordoratbaybythebloodofourpeopleareyourlandskeptsafegiveGondortheweaponofthe Enemyletususeitagainsthim,' monotoned the frustrated Gondorian.

'You cannot wield it. None of us can!' Aragorn said.

'Have you tried?'

'No.'

'Then how do you know that?'

'Because Frodo tried.'

'Ah. An excellent point.'

'I wasn't trying to wield it!' Frodo said. 'I was tricked into putting it on so the Wraiths could see to stab me! There's a difference!'

'ENOUGH!!' said Elrond. 'Boromir, will you please say your lines as they're supposed to be said?'

Said Gondorian sighed. 'Where were we?'

'You alliterated!' said Figwit.

'So what?'

'I thought I was the only being on Arda who cared for alliteration!'

'Elrond...' begged poor Boromir.

Elrond glared at the Elf. 'Figwit, now is _not_ the time for that.' Figwit slumped in his seat. Elrond continued. 'Boromir, you are to say "And what would a Ranger know of this matter" and you should say it condesendingly.'

'And _what_ would a _Ranger_ know of this matter?' Boromir said.

Legolas jumped to his feet on cue. 'He is...This is no.. Oh darn, let me try that again.' He sat down for a moment, then shot to his feet again. 'This is no mere Ranger. He is Aragorn. Son of Arathorn. You owe him your allegiance.'

Frodo fell off his chair. 'Frodo,' said Boromir, slightly worried.

'No, no NO!' Elrond said. 'You're not supposed to say Frodo, you're supposed to say Aragorn!!'

'But Frodo fell off his chair,' said Boromir. 'I was worried. I was trying to ask him if he was all right!'

'Oh, you needn't trouble yourself over the hobbit, he never takes harm from his falls,' said Aragorn lightly.

'Oh.' Boromir thought about that. 'He does this often?'

'You have _no_ idea,' Bilbo groaned.

'Hey, when do my lines come in? It seems to me there is a discrimination here against we Dwarves,' said Gimli.

'No, it's just that _nobody_ has _any_ idea what's going on here,' Gandalf said.

'And may I remind you just_ who's_ fault that is?' said Elrond.

'It's not mine,' said Gandalf.

'Or mine,' added Bilbo.

'It's certainly not mine! I'm too cute to cause trouble...' said Frodo.

Boromir looked up from a script. 'Gimli, your lines are coming up soon. Look.'

Gimli looked. 'Hmm.'

Just when it looked like things were going to get back on track, Frodo had to spoil it. 'Wait a second, we still haven't established who's fault the delay is!'

'The fault does not lie with the Dwarves!' Gimli said.

'I had not heard it was the fault of the Elves!' said Legolas.

'That leaves only _one_ choice,' said Elrond. 'The fault lies with...Hold on, this is _WAY_ off topic. Who's line was it...? Boromir, it was yours. So if you please...'

'But I want to know who's fault it is!' whined Frodo.

Elrond glared. 'Tough.'

'Aragorn...' said Boromir.

'What?'

'I was saying my lines you dolt! They go like this: Aragorn... this... is Isildur's Heir!'

'And Heir to the Throne of Gondor.' Legolas was disgustingly fast on the uptake. 'You owe him your allegiance.'

Silence. Everyone looked at Aragorn, who was picking his teeth with a fingernail. He apparently noticed the silence, because he looked up. 'What!?'

'It's your line, dude,' said Legolas.

'Oh, uh... That's right, scum! Down on your knees!'

Everyone looked incredulous. Boromir ran a hand through his hair. 'You moron! What have you been smoking?'

'Well if it isn't the pot calling the kettle black,' Aragorn said. 'You've bungled _every single one _of your lines!'

'_You_ bungled my last one! I had it right and_ you_ messed me up!'

A black cat walked past. A black cat walked past. Everyone fell silent. 'Now that I have your attention... Aragorn, will you please say your lines as they are written on your script?' said Elrond.

'But-'

'**_NOW!!!_** '

Aragorn did an impressive rendition of an exasperated teenager. ' _Like, whatever_... Havo dad, Legolas.'

Everybody stared. 'Now what?' yelped Aragorn. 'I said the line properly, did I not?'

Figwit whispered 'You said... _like, whatever_... you _never_ talk like that.'

'Legolas is a corrupting influence on me,' said Aragon haughtily.

Elrond rolled his eyes. 'There'll be no finger-pointing on this Council!'

'It's a little late for that,' muttered Boromir. Fortunately, Elrond was too busy consulting his copy of the script to hear him.

' You have only _one_ choice. The Ring must be destroyed.'

'Then what are we wating for,' said Gimli, who was very pleased his line had come at last. As he strode over to the table with his axe, he failed to notice the back cat that appeared twice. Boromir started to say something, but wasn't fast enough. Just as Gimli raised his axe to strike the Ring, It turned into a dragon. Gimli jumped backward. 'AHH!'

The dragon changed back into a Ring. 'What was that?' Gimli said.

'Me,' said Elrond. 'If you hit that thing, you'd ruin your axe, and likely need a chiropractor for yourself. So I stopped you from hitting it.'

Gimli sat down, still a bit shaken. After all, his family has never had much luck when it came to dragons.

'The Ring cannot be destroyed, Gimli, son of Gloin, by any craft that we here possess,' said Elrond pityingly. 'It must be taken deep into to Mordor and cast back into the firey chasm from whence it came!'

'Cool,' said Legolas.

'No, it is most definately_ not_ cool,' Elrond said. ' It is a volcano, and thus, it is_ hot_. And would you stop interrupting? Now where was I...? Oh yes. One of_ you_ must do this.'

'Must do what?' asked Frodo.

'Haven't you been listening!?' poor Elrond nearly shrieked. ' Take the Ring to be destroyed, of course!'

'One does not simply walk into Mordor,' said Boromir, trying to get this over with as quickly as possible. 'There is-'

'You mean there's a charter bus?' said Frodo. Gimli and Gloin exchanged glances. How dumb could that hobbit get? Boromir ran his hand through his hair again in frustration. ' NO! There is no transportation to or from Mordor!'

'Well if you can't walk, and there isn't a bus, how do you get there?'

' It was a figure of speech! If you had kept quiet and listened, you would have known what I meant! Listen! One does not simply walk into Mordor! It's Black Gates are guarded by more than just orcs: there is evil there that does not sleep, and the _Great Eye _is ever watchful. It is a barren wasteland riddled with fire and ash, and dust. The very air you breathe is a poisonous fume! Not with ten thousand men could you do this. It is folly! 'There! _Now_ do you get it?'

Frodo blinked. 'Oh.'

Legolas stood up again. 'Have you heard nothing Lord Elrond has said? The Ring _must_ be destroyed!'

'I didn't disagree with him!' Frodo wailed.

'Idiot! I was saying my lines, not talking to you!' Legolas was frustrated.

'I'm not an idiot!'

'And I suppose _you_ think you're the one to do it!' said Gimli.

'Do _what_?' Frodo was still wailing.

'And if we fail what then? What happens when Sauron takes back what is his?!' Boromir yelled.

'I will be dead before I see the Ring in the hands of an Elf! No one trusts an Elf!' said Gimli.

'Well Sauron is actually a_ Maiar_, not an Elf,' said Galdor.

'I was talking about_ Legolas_, you ninny!'

'Care for some tea?' asked Glorfindel.

'_What??' _Everybody stared at him.

'I had to say something, I haven't gotten to talk at all yet, and that was the first thing that came to mind!' the Elf defended himself.

'Glorfindel!' groaned Elrond. 'You ruined it! Everything was going just right! Now nobody's arguing and Gandalf can't yell at Boromir! And we can't have the dramatic climax where Frodo agrees to take the Ring to Mordor! What are we going to do now?'

' Since you're determined that I'm the bad guy (_again!_) I could offer to take the Ring,' said Boromir.

'NO!! You keep away from it! It's my task! Mine! My own!' Frodo yelled.

'Wrong movie, Frodo,' said Bilbo.

Frodo fell over. 'Are you sure?' he asked as he picked himself up.

'Absolutely.'

'Oh.' Frodo looked at the floor. ' Then... Give me the Ring Sam?'

'Still the wrong movie.'

' I will take it?'

'Yes! Now you've got it!'

Frodo stood up. 'I will take it.'

'You can't!' moaned Elrond.

'Why not?'

'Because the pace and drama have been ruined! It's hopeless! We have to start again!'

Everybody looked at everbody else in horror. 'We have to start the whole Council over again?' asked Boromir.

'Yes.'

'No we don't,' said Gimli. 'If you'd read the book you'd have noticed that Frodo's announcement didn't interrupt anything other than silence. So we can all be quiet and start from there! Simple.'

'But,' said Elrond.

'Quiet! Everybody! Go ahead, Frodo.' Gimli took charge, temporarily.

'Go where?'

Gimli sighed an exasperated sigh. 'I meant say your lines.'

'Oh. Okay then. I will take the Ring to Mordor. Though... I do not know the way.'

'Easy,' Boromir said. 'Just head East until you smell fire and death, and you can't miss.'

'Boromir...' Elrond said.

'Sorry.'

'Your line, Gandalf,' said Bilbo.

'I will help you bear this burden, as long as it is yours to bear.' the wizard said obediantly.

Everyone waited. Nothing. They all looked at Aragorn. Now he was trimming his thumbnail with his dagger. He looked up. 'It's my line, isn't it.'

'Yes,' said everyone at once.

'Wow. Ummm... If by my life or death I can protect you, I will. You have my sword.' The Ranger sat back in his chair complacently.

Elrond looked pointedly at him and jerked his head toward Frodo. Aragorn looked blank. Elrond looked from Aragorn to Frodo and back again. 'I don't understand,' Aragorn said.

'Ugghh,' said Elrond, 'You're supposed to go stand behind Frodo to show that you're commited to protecting him!'

'I'm commited to protecting him?' asked Aragorn stupidly.

Elrond dropped his head into his hands in despair. ' Yes,' the poor exasperated Elf groaned, 'you are. You just pledged to die protecting him, if necessary.'

'I did?'

'That's what the line meant.' Elrond's voice was muffled by his hands.

'If I'd known that I wouldn't have said it.' Aragorn looked disturbed.

'Well you said it so get your sorry rear end over there!' Elrond suddenly lost patience with his foster son.

Aragorn cowered. 'All right, all right!' He trotted obediently over to stand behind the hobbit.

'And my bow,' said Legolas.

'And _my_ axe,' added Gimli.

'I like that!' Bilbo said. 'Getting Frodo to carry your things!'

Boromir grinned evilly. 'You carry the gear of us all, little one. If this is indeed the will of the Council, then you can add mine to the sum.'

Frodo looked desperate.

'Boromir...!' said Elrond.

'It was Bilbo's idea!'

'I said no finger-pointing on this Council!' Elrond snapped.

'Tea?'

'GLORFINDEL!!' yelled most everybody, except for Frodo, who was getting back in his chair after falling out _again_.

'Well nobody answered me the first time!'

'Just shut up,' Galdor told him.

'How come everybody but me can talk?' Glorfindel protested.

'Because everybody else is saying something relevant to the conversation.'

'Hah! Yeah right! You should see a transcript of this Council!'

'There isn't one.'

'That's what _you_ think!'

'How can there be a transcript of this Council when the Council isn't even over yet?'

'**_SILENCE!!_** ' Elrond's lungs were getting a good work-out today. 'We're almost done here, and I want _nothing_ to further hinder the completion of this _SORRY EXCUSE_ of a meeting! So everyone, unless you have a part in the script, I don't want another peep out of you! Understood?!?'

Complete silence.

'Good. Now, where's Sam?'

Nothing happened.

'CUE SAM!!' Boromir said.

'Huh?' A blond head popped up behind a bush.

'It's your line now,' said Boromir.

'Really? I must've lost track... Sorry.'

'Not surprising, considering the mess this's been,' said Bilbo. ' Well, go ahead Sam, we're waiting,' he added, as Sam continued to stand in one spot. 'Sam? Hello? Arda to Sam?'

Sam was staring at the other side of the terrace in shock. Bilbo's gaze followed his. His jaw dropped. 'What in Arda...' he whispered. Two men in dark suits and sunglasses were crouched behind the stone columns. 'Elrond!' Boromir yelled, making everyone jump.

'What are those?' asked Bilbo.

Elrond looked. 'Those are Agents Brown and Jones.'

'Well what are they doing there? According to the script Merry and Pippin were supposed to be there!'

'It's unnatural...' muttered Sam.

'It _is_ Merry and Pippin,' Elrond said.

Frodo fell over, but no one cared.

'I thought you just said it was Agents Brown and Jones? Whoever those are,' said Bilbo.

'You haven't seen the Matrix, have you,' Boromir said.

'No. I obviously missed something.'

'Yes, you did. Elrond, make them change back!'

' I can't.'

'You mean you won't.'

'Something like that,' the Elf smirked.

'You mean we're stuck with those two...**_Agents_** all the way to Mordor?'

'Probably.'

'Elrond, you evil...!' Boromir was running his hand through his hair again. Elrond merely smiled. ' I thought you wanted to get this meeting over as soon as possible! So change them back, and let's get this over with!'

'I'm glad _somebody_ is taking this seriously!' said Elrond. 'That's what I wanted to know.'

The Agents disappeared, leaving two confused hobbits in their place. 'What was that?' Pippin asked. Merry only shook his head helplessly.

Frodo fell over.

'Get over here!' yelled Elrond. 'Stand with him.' The Elf pointed to Frodo. The hobbits, who knew what was good for them, obeyed. Elrond silently counted, looking from the script to the nine people standing in front of him and back again. 'So be it,' he said happily. 'You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring.'

'Well I didn't actually agree to go,' said Boromir. ' What I said was that Frodo could carry my stuff.' His evil grin was back.

'You big oaf!' yelled Elrond.

'Just kidding.'

'Well don't!'

Boromir just grinned.

'Okay, Council's over! I'm sick of this! We've got nine Walkers, we're done, goodby, all out who's getting out!' Elrond was still yelling.

'Getting out of what?' asked Frodo. 'The Fellowship? Are we playing Survivor and voting people out now? 'Cause I don't really like Boromir...'

'NO!! No voting!'

'Aww...' the hobbit moaned.

'And no moaning!'

'But I'm so cute...'

Elrond was getting a headache. 'You won't be cute for long if you don't shut up.'

'Aragorn and Legolas and Gimli and Boromir will protect me,' said Frodo.

'That's what you think,' said Elrond. Only then did Frodo notice that the aforementioned 'protectors' had moved away from him.

'Hey _guys_,' Frodo whined, 'You swore to protect me!'

'From anything of Sauron's making, yes,' said Legolas. 'If you make Lord Elrond mad and he beats you up, no.'

The hobbit pouted. 'Well that's just cheating.'

'And you're being annoying,' Gimli said.

'No I'm not! I'm precious!'

Everyone quickly moved several steps away from Frodo.

'No, I didn't mean-' he started to protest, but a bell rang just then.

'Supper!' There was a mighty roar as everyone, hobbits, Elves, Dwarves and men all ran for the dining hall, anxious to get out of the Council. All except for Elrond, who went for Extra-Srength Tylenol for his headache.


End file.
